I am a shit magnet. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you its true. If anything can go wrong it will, at the most inopportune time with the least amount of warning. If something isn't happening directly to me, its effecting someone I dearly love. It has become something of an embarrassment, which sounds completely ridiculous but assuredly true. I feel shame for some reason, as if it was some kind of personal failing on my part that negative events have occurred. Like a child who believes in magical thinking, I have wondered what I am doing wrong, was it something I thought, something I did or didn't do, was it somehow my fault?
When I first began this blog, I wrote a post about Turning the Prism. I forgot to do that. I forgot to look at things from a new perspective, to change my point of view. Today I was walking by the computer which uses a screen saver slide show of all the pictures on the computer; I am always surprised by what pops up. Today was a beautiful picture of my dog buddy who we lost a few years back. I smiled and was deeply touched to see him albeit it digitally. It hit me then that it didn't hurt so bad to see him. I felt this sweet sorrow but not that pressure, can't swallow pain in my chest. Buddy was a great but challenging companion. He was a beautiful black lab with shiny fur, regal bearing and a bit of the devil in him. Seeing him today reminded me that the love never dies and has indeed become sweeter and more poignant. Even the times he aggravated me to no end, somehow have become more humorous when viewed through the lens of time. So maybe I needed to re-look at my self-imposed title of "Shit magnet", maybe I needed to see my life through a new lens.
I am not skilled enough to look at almost losing my daughter last summer from a different point of view however. It was a horrific event that causes me to hold my breath, feel my chest tighten and my stomach clench to this very day. It is still surreal to me that it all happened, like a nightmare that still effects everything we do everyday. How does Brianna face everyday given what she has been through? How did she go to college 11 days after coming home from the ICU? How did she achieve very respectable grades given the fact her brain was on hold for 17 days while in a coma? How does she push ahead with her life, knowing she will be facing her disease again in another battle? I talked to a psychiatrist from the military, an expert of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) who worked with Veteran's from Iraq and Afghanistan about ways to help her cope with her nightmares and anxiety. He said, she was in a terrible position because unlike a war veteran who after being discharged won't be in a combat zone again, Brianna has to still interact with the very places that have caused her injury for the rest of her life. How does she do that? She must have found ways to cope, to compartmentalize, to move forward, to turn the prism and see something beyond what I can imagine. Being happy has become mission for her, not something that she will eventually become, but something she is actively choosing in her life. Maybe that's the gift, the gift that has come from her being born with this disease. Turn the prism to see something ahead of you and move on from what was behind you. Bring with you the good things you have learned and let go of the rest.
Almost losing Brianna, having my mother become acutely ill, losing my father, having my niece struggle with seizures, watching my brother struggle with addiction, are just a few of the past few years struggles. Some are issues that have always been there but became worse and others were life altering. I can see some of the gifts that have come from these events very clearly. My family has become closer, more connected than ever before. Maybe we always were close but it had never been tested in such a meaningful way. I learned its okay to ask for help when you can't do it alone anymore. I have come to know that I am not somehow diminished because I needed help to cope with something. Being strong means knowing when to call in reinforcement and the gift was that when I asked, my family and friends responded. Even friends of friends and strangers became angelic beings in our lives.
Every event in my life has prepared me to survive another event, I have come to know that for sure. That has been an amazing gift to me. Looking at things from the benefit of time has given me perspicacity. My appendix became infected before we left for our 25 wedding anniversary vacation, when it might have burst while we were in California. I have been like what the hell, I am a shit magnet! When is it going to end? Never. That's the truth, so I better embrace it. Nothing is permanent, nothing is guaranteed, forever doesn't exist. Change is the only thing you can count on to always be there. To be honest, I hate change. Change always seems to be negative, but in fact my infected appendix being removed is a very good thing! timing not withstanding.
My father dying has devastated me and my family, I want him back everyday. Except he was suffering, was sick and he didn't want that anymore. He chose when he had had enough, he said his good bye's to his doctor and three weeks later he was gone. That is a change I could have done without, but not at the cost of his well-being. I am blessed to have had him for 45 years, I know I was loved and he knew I loved him. He was surrounded by love, affection and when taking his last breath he extended his clenched hands up towards the ceiling in a movement that left no doubt that my father was reaching for something beyond our comprehension. It was a peaceful death. Our family was tested and we amazed even ourselves. That is the gift, the lens through which I am choosing to look at losing my dad. Maybe that's the point, it is all in our perspective. We can swim with the tides of change, maneuver around the boulders and roadblocks. It will still hurt like hell when we ram against those rough edges, but at least we are moving forward. We can also sink, try to swim against the tide, be a strong unwieldy piece of steel or to quote my son Brett, we can "be water" It is really all in your perspective.
