Disappointment, I am not good at this. For me personally, life's ups and downs become just another lesson in impermanence especially as I get....shall I say it older? Things that are good don't last forever, actually nothing good or bad ever does. That is the beauty and curse of our reality. This is what I truly believe....except when it comes to my kids.
I almost get physically ill when they suffer the little setbacks, the normal downs of life and the big setbacks. I don't know why its so hard for me. Maybe other parents just hide it better and they feel the same as me. Maybe it is because Brett and Brie's lives are so challenging to begin with, medically speaking. Maybe others parents are more pragmatic about it, saying, "hey that just the way life goes" Personally, I get ill. Stomach churning, nauseatingly, head achy ill.
About 3 this morning I had this bizarre moment where I thought Hey maybe all their good fortune ran out in terms of maintaining their health. Maybe a person can only get so lucky in their lives, and they used theirs overcoming the medical hurdles, like open heart surgery, or metabolic crisis. In that case, all the little setbacks in life are just the price we pay for health..... Okay, it was three in the morning and Ambien was making me delusional. Like there is some magical amount of luck you are suppose to get in your life, and my kids are using theirs to maintain their health. Okay, I will take health over an easy social, academic or professional life. They however would see it differently. Which is thus the root of the problem. I hate seeing them hurt.
From the outside looking in at some other kids lives, I see they get into the colleges they want right away or school is a breeze for them or they get a cold and never miss a day of school or they get the plum roles in a show or their amps and mics never fail to work during a performance. For some kids, it all looks so easy. They all seem to get these opportunities my kids would die for. What the hell is up with that? Okay Universe, cut my kids some slack! isn't it enough that they cope with a life-threatening illness everyday as does our family, can't the other parts of life be just a weeeeee bit easier.
I sound pitiful and ridiculous and I hate it. I am not good at this. This accepting thing. This whatever will be will be thing. I am pissed off and have no idea who or what to be pissed at.....so then I just eat a cookie, okay two cookies....well sometimes the whole bag. It is Mint Milano, I cannot be held responsible!
Perhaps we need to send a better message into the universe, you know the power of positive thinking. Hey the mics will work tonight, the mics will work tonight, the mics will work tonight, and if we say it enough times, believe it will all our heart, imagine Brianna singing with her beautiful voice loud and clear and strong...it will happen. I will give it a try and report back to you!
